After a very busy past three weeks, I’m back on the Pacific side of Costa Rica, my home base. These few weeks of traveling completely alone have definitely had their ups and downs, and I really looked forward to coming back to friends and a place I was comfortable and familiar with. It’s amazing how I thought I would be so happy here, but once I got here, it wasn’t as great as I pictured it. I no longer felt a strong sense of homey-ness. I don’t know what you would call this feeling. I’m not homesick exactly, but close to it. Maybe I’m just ready to go home to the states. But, I know once I go home I will miss it here. Catch 22 I guess…
I don’t like how everything feels fleeting and temporary when you travel. It’s like you can’t take it all in because there is too much, and nothing can really be permanent because you are going back to the real world eventually. I feel incomplete but more alive than ever these past 2 months. I feel free, but there’s still burdens of real life weighing down on my shoulders everyday.
“What are you doing?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Shouldn’t you be doing something else?”
People have asked if I’m on vacation a couple of times. I really dislike that word for what I’m doing. I’m traveling, trying new things, discovering myself, meeting friends, and having fun, of course. Well you can do all those things on vacation, so I guess it’s understandable. But, it does not feel like a vacation because of this constant pressure and questions beckoning in the back of my mind. I just don’t want to waste time, and there are so, so many things I need to figure out about myself and my future. My peers are gradually being pushed in whatever direction they find themselves gravitating towards in university, but I feel lost because of all the options I’m discovering that I have. I am overwhelmed with these possibilities, and that is such a blessing and a bit of a curse at the same time.
I want to take the creative path with my career. That is one thing I’ve confirmed (or I think I have). Maybe one day I’ll have the funds and ambition to open up a rescue center in South Africa or Tanzania for monkeys or any animal in need. Do I have any future volunteers? 🙂
I respect you adults that have a career you chose and enjoy. I say that because I just don’t get how someone can just pick what they want to do when you have so much to chose from and you have so many skills or interests that could do great things in many different fields. How do you do it? Does a good opportunity just present itself and you go for it and never really had the time or money to be able to look back? Are you doing what you believe you are meant to do?
I just want to do what I’m meant to do, but I need to find out what that is first.